"Knock Knock!"; "Who's there?" ;"Customer!"; "Customer who?";"Customers suck!"

The sense of humor is finally starting to kick in with the girls as they are discovering jokes. m told a knock knock joke which was strangely funny and yet simple:

m: "knock knock"
Me:" Who's there?"
m: "Pig!" Me: "Pig who?"
m: "Snort!"

a's jokes are usually more bizarre. the kind of stuff that makes the cat turn her head sideways and say:" Wha?"

a: "knock knock"
Me:" Who's there?"
a: "birthday party"
Me: "birthday party who?"
a: "It's a birthday party, hurray!!"

Very surreal

But "a" does make me laugh sometimes when she doesn't try at all. Like when we were driving to her daycare and she said:

a: "Dad, your food goes in your mouth and comes out of your stomach."
Me: " Well, actually, it goes into your mouth down your throat, down your esophagus, into the stomach, trough the small intestine, then the large intestine and then out of your body. ( I skipped the rectum part).
a: "Dad?"
Me: "yes"
a: "Okay, Dad, that's enough talking."


Here's a video of "m" in all her insanity:


On my drive home from work, I noticed that there are two houses that still have their Christmas lights up. What is that, like 3 months late taking them down. As much as they keep them up, they still can't touch this house around the corner that has had a deflated Santa Claus on it's roof for 2 years straight! What's up with that? Is it lack of a ladder or are they waiting until their son comes back from Iraq before they'll celebrate another Christmas?
I can see it now. Brown tinderbox Christmas tree, dry as a bell, unwatered since December, 2001, which will explode if the light switch is cut on. Outdated Nintendo video games and the first iPod model, still in unopened boxes, pet puppy, now a taxidermed mummy in a box which didn't even have air holes to begin with. At work, I've noticed more of a pattern to the:

Common top 10 Asshole Target customer awards:

1) The Bag Managers: People who watch and criticize every item you put in the bag and re-arrange them (usually not in any better way). I'm sorry if I got in your way of going to Bag Boy school and achieving your dream.

2) Frantic Disorganized Mother with Out-of-control Kids: ('nuff said).

3) Food Stamp Cheats: I try to duck down and hide when I see them coming. They're always a guaranteed bad speed score on the cash register. They buy tons of wet groceries, use big wads of crinkly cash and get angry when they discover that Twinkies, booze and firearms aren't covered by the system.

4) The Plastic Haters: Similar to the Bag Managers but these are people who complain that I (the one who bags every 5 seconds and knows how much stuff you can put in a bag before it explodes) am giving them too many bags so they take stuff out and trow the old bag at me. Now, I'm not a big fan of plastic bags either and I try to reuse the old ones for garbage cans and shit but if you really want to be an environmentalist, don't think for a second that throwing a plastic bag back at me is going to save a fucking plastic tree or whatever. Guess what? The bag is just going to go to the next plastic lover in line and the next one and even if it's not them THE FUCKING PLASTIC BAG ALREADY EXIST! Your refusal to take if will not help the environment. The bag is going to end up somewhere, and do you really think the Plastic Lover is going to recycle it? And if they do, do you really think the bag is going to decompose into some magical fairy dust and disappear in 100 years? Hey stupid! it's plastic! it will out live your righteous, liberal Berkeley ass longer than your Prius! Dumb ass. Here's an idea if you want to get rid of the plastic bags in the environment, REMOVE THE DEMAND FOR FUCKING PLASTIC BAGS! Bring your own canvas bags. My god I loooooove those things. I can pack the hell out of them and the people that bring them are always nice. If we all use canvas bags, the plastic people may start to make those and how many canvas bags do you see in landfills? Dumbass!

5) The No Speaks: Usually I don't give-a-shit if a customer speaks, but you can at least say thank you for putting my groceries in the cart, or thanks for not slightly opening a container of lotion inside one of my bags so that when I get home it will have spilled all over the new cashmere sweater. Not that I would ever do something like that. I'm just saying.
No, really.

6) Kids: They also use crinkly cash, and spend all of their money on PokemonYugioNoruto trading cards. Pick up a fucking basketball and get outside and play, you pale faced Wii zombie.

7) No, seriously, I have never slightly opened a container of lotion inside one of their bags so that when they got home it will have spilled all over their new cashmere sweater.

8) The "Funny" Guy trying to impress the Laydee:Usually some rich jerk and his trophy bimbo whose boobs cost more than her wasted college education. They never say hello or thank you and he tries to use sitcom"humor" such as how stupid the woman is, and yet she laughs it off. Maybe she's laughing at how later she's going to cut his penis off.

9) No seriously. No open lotion in bags.

And the #10 customer asshole type: (drum role)...................The LMM: Last Minute Morons, who come into the store 5 seconds before closing and then keep us there for another 20 minutes, forcing me to miss America's Next Top Model.

C'mon people. Target is open from 8AM-10PM. Surly in those 14 hours you could have dragged your lazy ass away from the crack pipe, or whatever you do all day and do your shopping?


That's it

EM