Clean your Damn House!

I'm not the most anal-retentive person in the world but I do like to have a clean house. Nothing pisses me off more than a house that's so dirty, you are starting to step on important stuff. Don't you just love that sound of cracking plastic of a CD cover or that electronic device that your lazy ass didn't pick up? I think, even if you don't want to have a house or apartment which would be the envy of Felix Unger,  Your house should at least be sanitary, especially the bathroom and the kitchen. Your bathroom is the petridish of the entire house. It has a place for shit. There are no other places in your house where shit should be. If you have shit anywhere else in your house  (exception for TV shows and litter boxes) then you have a major problem and your kids need to be taken away. The bathroom is also where all of the other body fluids should be. Why the hell do people floss their teeth while watching TV? That's crap flying of of your mouth and onto the living room floor! Speaking of living rooms. That's the first place that people see when they enter your house. If the rest of your house is as clean as a hospital bed, it doesn't matter, because if the living room is dirty, you might as well have an old, festering horse carcass in the hallway. There's always this pattern of travel people take in your house whenever the visit and it drives me fucking bananas. It doesn't matter who they are: fist time visitors, in-laws, neighborrhood kids. They always travel the same route in our house so I have to make sure I have these rooms clean whenever anyone visits:

1) The living room is first, like I said, but I've seen in-laws go to the back door first for some strange reason, so make sure that area is clean.

2) They go into the kitchen: The only reason I think they do this is to make sure you're not trying to pull a fast one with the clean living room trick. Sometimes they may be carrying food which would be a good reason to be in your kitchen–IF THEY LET YOU TAKE THE FOOD TO THE KITCHEN. But they want to do it themselves, a clue that they're just spying on you.

3) Bathroom:  Everyone ends up there. Make sure you hide your pills in case they're a drug addict friend or just nosey and want to figure our what medical problems you're hiding. You may get away with a dirty bathtub for friends because they won't look behind a shower curtain, but in-laws will look for mold.

4) Bedrooms: You can close the door to the master bedroom but not the kids room. Everyone ends up there when the brats yell: "Hey! Aunt Bathsheba! You want to see my Barbie Planned Parenthood Clinic?

5) Backyard: If it's not going to rain, clean it. It doesn't have to be sterile but if there are kid visitors, you may want to remove the chainsaw collection and the wasp-nest honey experiment you have going in the back.

6) Basement: "Why the fuck are you going in my basement?" I think, but there they go. I've seen kids do this more than in-laws and friends. This should be danger free for that reason. Also, get rid of the porn collection, at least the fetish ones.

7) Front yard:  If the house had a head, this would be the hair. Everyone sees it and it goes downhill from there. Get the bathtub/toilet planter off the lawn you hillbilly!

8) Linen closet: Why the fuck? Again. Only female in-laws look in there.I remember this one time when a girl visited me and my roommates house. The first thing she said was:  "It's clean." Seriously, you've never seen our apartment. What were you expecting? Just because we're men, doesn't mean we spend all of our time mud wrestling bears in the living room. I decided that the reason some people like to snoop in your house when they visit is to 1) See if your shit is better than yours and 2) See if their chaotic lives are better than yours. If your place is clean, it's like saying:  "In your face! We've got two kids and a clean mother fucking house, bitch!


 I actually say that to the in laws when they visit, usually thrusting my pelvis in their direction. I had a neighbor stop by unexpectedly. We were busy opening birthday presents and so their was wrapping paper all over the floor. The rest of the house was clean. She looked so pleased to see the mess and said how she didn't feel bad about her messy house, now. I resisted the urge to say: " Do you open birthday presets everyday at your house?

After writing all of this, I think I'm going to go clean up, now.That's it, E.M