The Birds! The Birds!

Raising twins is easier than you might think and harder than you can ever imagine. Although it's a lot easier and more fun with them, now. I remember during the first 3 weeks when we had to feed them every 3 hours, day or night no matter what. m and z were both under 6 pounds at birth. Apparently when a baby is born, there's like this short starvation period because the baby doesn't know how to latch onto a boob. So it doesn't really eat at first and looses a little weight. Because our kids were in a dangerous weight area, there was a risk of them losing any weight. So, we had to force feed them using a syringe-like device with a long tube connected to your finger. We would fill the syringe with formula or breast milk and then, using your finger as a pretend nipple, let the baby suck on it. Did I mention We had to do this every 3 hours day and night! This meant we were sleeping in these 3 hour blocks, if they slept together. BUT being twins they could split-shift you which means you could literally be up every 1 or 2 hours. One solution was, one of us would just take them for a 6 hour block while the other one slept. I can't tell you how surreal it was seeing the blue light of morning, every day and hear the sound of those fucking birds chipping away. In college, M (Kid's mom) said that she and her friend K would study all night and dreaded the sound of "The birds! The birds!!!" Because it meant that your study time was up. The worst thing was, even if you slept, you would have these horrible anxiety related nightmares. If you got out of the house, everything felt so bright and strange. people looked like insignificant robots and Safeway was an overly-lit, David Lynch movie with ironic Muzak soundtrack scoring your demise. In a few word, I felt like I was going insane.

Speaking of Insane: I always thought that my neighborhood in the East Bay was inhabited by nothing but roust-abouts and n’er do wells. So it was a big surprise when M took the kids and me to an open studio a couple of blocks away. Not only did I figure that there were no more artists in the neighborhood but especially not a professional one. I figure that the neighbors idea of art was cars-on-blocks lawn sculptures or dandelion Ichibana *. It was also good when the artist held a meeting with other citizens in the hood to discuss the pit bull problem that keeps happening. Apparently this same dumb motherfucker keeps breeding the little head chompers and they keep getting loose and killing dogs or cats. In spite of being dragged to court and fined numerous times, this Neanderthal Einstein (great band name) keeps breeding them and letting them loose. Another problem I’d like to see the citizen posse come together on, is the speeding. For about 3 blocks on my street there are no stop signs or speed bumps. This lets the usually young teenager boys show off just how stupid they can be with a simple formula: IQ=Speed minus actual speed limit for the street. Although there is a school zone at one end and a park at the other. these Fast and Furious Fat heads (F.F.F) race up and down the block, disregarding any chance of children or animals running in front of them. My fantasy is for one day; Mr. Pit bull is walking around with one of his dogs, off leash. A FFF races down the street and hits the dog. The dog crashes trough the windshield, death locks the driver on the balls and causes him to plow into Mr. Pit Bull. As a bonus, the resulting crash could be into the house across the street from me, which is occupied by 4 teenage boys who are annoying enough for another column. I guess this scenario is a little gruesome. Maybe I’ll just hope the police department does their fucking job for once and stop hiding in parking lots taking breaks. That’s right! I see you bastards! Whenever you see two cop cars parked next to each other in an abandoned parking lot, do you really think they’re saying:
“Gee Fred, what are we going to do with those darn kids and their piece of shit cars, racing up and down the block?”
“I don’t know Bill. Perhaps find a way to get them to plow into Mr. Pit bull?”
More likely it’s…
“Man I'm tired.”
“Me too. Good night.ZZZZzzzzz…”

That’s it,
EM

* Ichibana: The Japanese art of flower arrangement.