So, apparently my name is “Dee-Daa.” This is the closest we can figure what the girls are actually calling me. I guess a variation on “Da-da”. As far as I'm concerned, the girls could be talking about the cat or my glasses but M swears that this is what they say when I just show up or they're wondering where “Boob-less Thing is?” Their name for the cat is “Ka!” The dog next door is “Aie-ya!” All other children are “Adieu!” Said just like French for good-bye. Cheese is “cshhh.” Fish is “fss”. Tree is “uhhh!” Clock is the sound FX: “Toc-toc-toc.” and Grandma is represented by a loud happy squeal. The only person who does not have a name is…Mom. It’s confusing. If you were to ask them: "Where's Daddy?" They'll not only look at me, they'll look back at who asked it as if to say: “Are you on crack? He's right there!" My theory is, its not that they don't have a name for mom or not know who she is, its more like she's such a part of them, that its hard to differentiate her into a separate entity, its like asking a kid, where's your mind, as opposed to where's your brain? Mom is not satisfied with this theory and still insist that the kids call her a name while pointing at her and holding up one of those name signs you see limo drivers holding at the airport.
We had yet another greetings card being passed around at work. You sign it and then try to hunt down the nearest victim in order to get it off of your desk and away from you as fast as possible. Otherwise you're “It” until you get rid of it. This card was for some woman, whose mother-in-law had passed. I don't really like her (the woman) because she's part of this elite group of older workers who have been there for years and run only on a reputation that they're hard workers when in fact they make the lives of people under them a living hell because they promise the customers miracle deadlines. Sure the customers love them but THEY don't do the actual work so me and the slaves bust our asses getting these promised jobs out ASAP and when we do, the customers send them bottles of wine and Krispy Kreme doughnuts (mmmm Krispy Kreme doughnuts) and the only reward we get is 30 punches in the stomach instead of the usual 40. So this card is in front of me and I have to write something because accompanying it is a checklist with your name on it, If you don’t write something and check your name off, they'll know you're a heartless bastard and didn't sign it. But what to write? What nice thing do you say to someone you don't like in order to show the least amount of caring as possible while appearing nice? The Bush Administration has mastered “You are in our thoughts and prayers”. Every time something happens in a country we don't like; an earthquake in a Muslim country. The first thing out of their mouths is “You are in our thoughts and prayers”. Now "Thoughts" was a possibility. That's vague enough. If a Klansman's car flipped over into a flaming pit of gasoline, when he looked out the window at me and screamed for help with what's left of his mouth. I could honestly yell in all sincerity: “You are in my thoughts!” and then walk away. But prayers? Ha ha ha! The only thing I ever pray for is a mutual sustainable world peace, happy healthy children, justice for all and Fox not to cancel yet another show that I like. So I decided just to write: “You are in my thoughts.” because I'm not really sorry and I try not to ever lie (which gets me into a fuck load of trouble, let me tell you). But get this! Two other people wrote the same thing! I guess I'm not the only one who dislikes her.
I carefully checked to make sure I was assigning the right message to the right card. This is important because we had so many birthday cards floating around in one month that I just got into the habit of signing the usual generic birthday messages. One time, this card came around for yet another person I don't like. I was about to sign with something witty until I read everyone else's notes and realized it was actually a sympathy card for her dead father!!!!! Whew! Dodged a bullet on that one. Can you imagine when she reads:” “Hey! Time to Party!” “Have fun tonight!” or “One step closer to death!” Even “Happy Birthday!” would have got me fired.
I definitely would have been in her thoughts after that.
That's it,
EM
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